Amulet
by VervainAndRoses
Summary: "It became a habit of hers, holding on to her locket for comfort." A one shot about Elena's vervain necklace.


It was in the middle of the school parking lot when she first laid eyes on it. Her boyfriend giving her a present for the first time, a locket that he'd never wanted to give to anyone else before. Elena felt warm as she heard those words, special. And when he clasped it and it fell on her chest, it felt like was meant to be there all along.

Caroline later said it looked "Old, but like nice-looking old" and she corrected her. _It's antique_. It fit, she thought. It was beautiful, a silver locket with vines intertwined around, and a sparkling stone in its center, shining the color of blood. Something as elegant as that pendant could never be described as anything less than beautiful. She handled it like something delicate and precious.

Like the mermaid ceramic her grandmother gave to her when she was 8, a few months before she passed away. Her grandma's blue eyes had sparkled when she handed it to her, and little 8-year-old Elena swore it was the best present she'd ever gotten.

Her locket was certainly one of those, too.

At first it only carried a sense of belonging, kind of like wearing Matt's football jersey the year before. It meant something. Her mind running the words "going steady" while she laughed at herself. Such a lovely gift meant something, even if it was too soon, for her it felt right.

Even though some might have thought it was obnoxiously big, or outdated, she wasn't shy about wearing it to school everyday (she would've even if Stefan hadn't asked her to.) Honestly, she had a sense of collegiate satisfaction when one of her classmates asked about the "gorgeous necklace" and she could smile and point to her boyfriend.

Those first few weeks, Elena couldn't help but imagine what the future had in store for her, for them. She could finally feel herself unraveling and walking away from her grieve and back to the world of the living, hand in hand with Stefan.

That didn't last very long.

Secrets started piling up, until they filled her head and her lungs and she couldn't breathe with the pressure of them all. Doubts crept into her relationship, breaking it when she found out the truth. She told Stefan she couldn't be with him, and she'd meant it. But after she closed that door, Elena still held her locket tight inside her fist as she sank down to the floor, crying for the love she'd lost, just after it had started to blossom.

A few weeks later, when he said he was leaving town, she cried in her best friends' arms, clutching it so hard the stone left an imprint on her hand. She could feel her heart thudding wildly against it the first night they made love, had held on to it as she ran out afterwards, a feeling of betrayal choking her after finding out about Katherine.

It became a habit of hers, holding on to that necklace for strength. Even more so through one of the worst things she lived through. When Stefan left with Klaus, more than once she held on to the place where it would be while she cried at night, her bed cold and her heart heavy and lonely. When Damon returned it to her, she found solace in holding on to it, like she was holding on to Stefan, somehow.

And later, even after he came back, so changed she couldn't recognize the man she fell in love with, but swore could see pieces of him just under the surface; she could feel the weight of the piece of jewelry in the hollow of her throat and it was almost grounding.

A reminder of what of what she was fighting for to have again. That even if some days her body felt tired and her bones heavy with grief, and heartache threatened to swallow her whole…that she couldn't let go of him. And if she said it, she never meant it.

It seemed so distant, the time when it only meant her boyfriend was more considerate that most men in giving her a necklace instead of a football jacket, back when she didn't know she carried ancient power hanging from her neck or what she truly was capable of, good or bad.

Its familiarity still remained though, calming her, anchoring her when her lover wasn't around to do it himself. But then she lost it, and him. And found herself kissing the wrong brother, betraying herself and Stefan like she thought she never would. But hadn't it felt right at the time? Her heart had raced, and her lips had swollen, but afterward she found her chest feeling heavy, a pressure on her throat, just as if her locket was still with her.

And weeks later, when she woke up in a cold, metal cot, her last memory of water rushing into her lungs and beautiful green eyes she'd chosen; that was the moment she started losing herself. She became something she never wanted to be, the very thing she dreaded even if she had entertained the possibility of a forever once or twice.

The collateral damage of her new-found immortality was her force of will being ripped away. The sire bond appearing and dimming, almost erasing the memories she had of Stefan. Her recollections of that pendant that meant so much to her were then no more than a shadow then, like the doll she played with when she was little. She knew it existed but she could barely picture it, it was locked away and she couldn't get to it. Didn't want to, didn't have a choice on that either. Like on losing her last family. Her brother passed away, and when she finally accepted that she was alone, that her entire family was gone, something deep inside her broke. And in Damon not being strong enough, she also lost her humanity.

But even then, when Elena didn't have her emotions, and her soul was so tainted it was barely decipherable among the blood and death. After a dance that she wouldn't accept had shook her. Just like flesh memory, her hand moved without her knowledge, her fingers grasping at thin air near her throat, searching for the antique pendant that she wasn't entitled to have anymore. She realized what she was doing once, and stopped.

Afterwards she saw Matt die right before her eyes, and recovered her humanity with the sheer force of hurt and misery. The pain was overwhelming and her tears started falling before she even hit the ground.

Her eyes focused on Stefan, though, his voice calming her from the world of grief threatening to drive her mad. That night, she was forced to calm down from her murderous thoughts towards Katherine, at least for a while, and coaxed into getting some rest. It didn't come easy. She could hear the brothers arguing, right outside her door. About the best course of action, about her like she wasn't even there. She shut them out, and having only herself for company, remembered. Every single thing she did while she wasn't really herself.

She had to ground her face against her pillow to muffle the sobs that didn't seem to stop. It felt like she was drowning all over again, the air wouldn't come fast enough and she gasped, took huge mouthfuls even though she didn't need to breathe anymore. Desperation, misery, despair. They all made an appearance. And thankfully, neither Salvatore did. No one came to check on her that night again, and she couldn't have been more thankful.

It went on an on, until she was too emotionally spent to do anymore than just let the tears roll down her cheeks. Her eyes glued to the ceiling, her hands stiffly let go of the pillow case she'd been clutching for the past hour. Her hand looking for something else to hold on to, as another wave of disgust washed over her, remembering the sound of the waitress's neck breaking. But Elena didn't reach for her locket anymore. Rather, she started playing with the silver ring in her right hand, clutching it like a lifeline while she felt she was sinking.

* * *

**This came out of nowhere, and I'm a little rusty with writing fic so sorry for any mistakes. Please read&review :)**


End file.
